jedusor: (you can play)
[personal profile] jedusor
And I know I could be more clever
And I know I could be more strong


I love this. I keep listening to the song it's from ("Out on the Town" by fun.) just for the part with that bit sung over and over, because singing along to this is more comforting than anything else to me right now.

I don't particularly love the song. Like most fun. songs, it's catchy and has kind of problematic lyrics. In context, I don't really love this line either. But interpretation is everything, and to me this phrasing doesn't mean "I'm not good enough." It means "This isn't as good as I get." It means "I have the capacity to be better."

Control is important to me. Being a kid was awful, because I hate being expected to do things for reasons I don't understand or agree with. And being in control of my own personality is incredibly important to me--that is, how I present myself and am perceived by others. Not whether they judge me favorably, but whether they judge me accurately. One reason I love studying social heuristics is that it helps me understand the tools people use to perform those evaluations.

"When you talk to a new person, you are making you. Inside of them. And you don't wanna do a bad job. [...] Judgment is just someone creating you inside of their head without your permission, without full knowledge of who you are. They're making you, but they're making you improperly." --John Green

I want to have the ability to make myself properly. In other people's heads, and also in the course of my development as a human being. There's not much I'm afraid of, but the idea of having reached the limit of my potential terrifies me. I never want to plateau. I never want to be as good as it gets. I could always be more clever and more strong. There is always room for improvement. That certainty grounds me; it keeps me going.
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