jedusor: (seattle gay pride)
Excerpts from Amazon reviews for various garlic presses:

(from a review titled "My Special, Steely Friend") "I'm afraid I've developed an unhealthy relationship with this garlic press."

"This thing is built like a tank."

"I showed my fiancee how it works and she seems to be impressed."

"As others have reported here, the handle retains water that can drip out into your guacamole or other favorite dish. Alternatively, in your frustration, you can administer a thorough shaking to get the water out. Unfortunately that propels water drops all over your kitchen which can be a source of further aggravation. All-in-all, probably better to look elsewhere for your next garlic press -- unless you're into drama."

"As an added bonus, you could probably blackjack and knockout an intruder while holding this thing."

"I've retired my old garlic press to lesser, cruder duties."

Review title: "Anthony Bordain Be Damned"

"Since I bought this garlic press, I have been using more garlic than needed."

"This press is so awesome, sometimes I just press garlic for fun."

"Crushes garlic? No, it obliterates garlic."

"This smashes garlic like I WISH the Cleveland Browns could smash the Steelers. *sigh*"
jedusor: (food: dessert)
Gaby: I have to go to the bathroom. If she comes to take dessert orders before I get back, can you tell her I want the huckleberry tart?
Me: I will tell her you want a raw potato.
Gaby: If you can get them to give me a raw potato, I will eat it.

jedusor: (food: soup and salad)
Mike: (looking at an online menu for a restaurant we're eating at tomorrow) Olive emulsion? What does that mean?
Me: I have no clue. How would you emulsify a solid? *googles* I don't see a definition, but here's a recipe for olive emulsion. Let's see... "ingredients: 0.7 oz olives, hacked."
Mike: Hacked olives?
Me: I don't know what that is either! *googles* Okay, no definition, but here's a recipe for hacked olives. Let's see... "step one: Establish the olives."
Mike: *dies laughing*
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Me and Mike: *talking about weasels*
Mike: *attempts to make a weasel noise* I don't actually know what a weasel sounds like.
Me: That sounded like a cross between a human baby and an eagle.
Mike: So...
Both of us simultaneously: ...a beagle?
jedusor: (emergency bourbon)
me: Why do you even need more than one makeup thing of each type? Like, I get wearing a few different colors of lipstick or eyeshadow, but there's no real difference between the rest of it, is there?
V: O.O
V: different textures, different stregths for pigment, different finishes
me: yeeeaaah, I don't think this is a surmountable communication gap here XD
V: Example: I have freckles. I like my freckles, so during the day I might wear a sheer foundation: even skin tone, light coverage. But if I want to use darker eyeshadow in the evening, the canvas has to be even, so I use full coverage foundation/foundation stick. Or I need a more natural mascara when I wear red lipstick and a darker mascara when I wear a natural lipcolor.
V: Then there's stuff like texture for different types of makeup, like avoiding a matte finish for nude makeup. You just look... lifeless.
me: :P
me: do not grok
V: Aaaaanyway, the point was that yes, you need more than one makeup thing of each type.
V: :-P
me: no. YOU do. I do not.
V: ...
me: I don't even have one of most of those things.
V: this conversation is hurting my brain
me: Seriously, I have one thing of liquid eyeliner, and I don't even know where that is. I haven't touched it in months.
me: it's hurting my brain too!
V: Btw, when you find that liquid eyeliner, throw it away. You can't use it for more than 3 months after you first opened it.
me: *snort* I've had it for like five years.
V: *clutching my actualfax pearls*


Jul. 23rd, 2011 02:48 pm
jedusor: (*hug* doesn't cut it)
Me: Oh man, I just know one of the comments on this post is going to say "ha ha, where's the like button?". Yep, there it is. Ugh. That joke got old about two minutes after Facebook came up with the whole liking thing.
Mike: LJ needs a "punch" button.
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: I'm, like, 99% sure.
Me: What about that 1%?
Mike: The 1% is a bunny. The 99% is a T-Rex. Bunnies don't beat T-Rexes.


Apr. 20th, 2011 06:09 pm
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: *quoting out loud from Myths Retold*
Me: So if Kit ends up bringing the dude who writes those to my birthday party, are you gonna fanboy all over him?
Mike: Not... much?
Me: Are you gonna stare at him admiringly from afar?
Mike: That sounds creepy.
Me: Are you gonna?
Mike: Not now that I've realized it's creepy.
jedusor: (emergency bourbon)
1. Add olive oil.
2. Don't add olive oil.
3. Add salt.
4. Don't add salt.
5. Stir more often.
6. Stir less often.

Thanks, guys!
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
While doing this quiz...

Me: A lamppost? Narnia?
Mike: That's "Singing in the Rain."
Me: Ah. What's the rest of that movie about? The part that's not the three minutes he's singing in the rain?
Mike: You know, I've never bothered to find out. My guess is hardcore pornography.

Mike: That's a saw, probably from the movie "Saw."
Me: *clicks through to the next one*
Mike: That's a tiger...
Both of us simultaneously: ...probably from the movie "Tiger."

♥ my boy. Sorry, I know a lot of this blog lately has been "haw haw isn't my boyfriend funny," but my boyfriend is fucking funny, okay.


Mar. 30th, 2011 09:54 am
jedusor: (go)
Me: God damn *hic* hiccups, won't stop *hic* dammit...
Mike: Did you hear they're making a live-action version of Hikaru no Go?
Me: Wot?
Mike: They cast Zac Efron.
Me: WOT oh. You're fucking with me. Dude, what was that for?
Mike: Did I scare ya?
Me: ...yes. Hiccups are gone. ;___;
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Sometimes Mike and I are sitting near each other, both minding our own business on our laptops, and Mike starts busting up laughing, and I look over at his screen to see nothing but a straight logic puzzle.

This happens hilariously often.

He insists that he's just laughing at amusing things that cross his mind while he's solving, but I can't help wondering if there's some punch line I'm missing in these Slitherlinks.
jedusor: (axe murderer)
Mike: Back in Florida, there was an ad for John Hall Chevrolet. That would have amused me greatly if I'd known about King Missile back then.
Me: Dude, you know what would be awesome? A John S. Hall GPS voice. "At the next right, tie three hamsters in balloons to your belt."
Mike: "You have missed your turn. Turn around or I'll cut your balls off."
Me: "If what you just did was gay, turn left in one-half mile. Otherwise, continue straight."


Feb. 24th, 2011 12:48 am
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: Thirty-six divided by three, that's thirteen...
Me: O.o
Mike: ...wait, no it isn't.
Me: You got what on your SATs?
Mike, sheepishly: Juice?
jedusor: (special boy)
Me: When did Portal come out?
Mike: I dunno, let me check. *pulls up a browser*
Me: Like, '07, maybe?
Mike: Huh? Oh, Portal. I was looking up Jenga.
Me: What? Why?
Mike: I... was thinking about Jenga? And got them mixed up in my head? I don't know. Yeah, Portal came out in 2007.
jedusor: (riverdancing)
Yes, "Gregor Samsa" was an eye-roller of a nickname to pin on a giant cockroach. But it was one hell of a lot easier for the humanoids working this campaign to pronounce than "H'kh Kl'kxak." At least he had a sense of humor about it. He often hung out in the various break rooms along the campaign trail with the lights off and made a big show out of scuttling under a table or something if someone came in and turned on the lights. Unfortunately, not everyone found it as funny as Greg did.

--Cheesecake and the Art of Political Warfare
jedusor: (dakin euphemism)
Me: This fic summary is "MCR goes on hiatus and Gerard finally gets his hamsters."
Mike: Is that a euphemism? Getting one's hamsters? It should be.
Me: It could mean losing your virginity, or joining the Mafia. Or, like... man, that really gets my hamster.
Mike: For when something isn't quite irritating enough to get your goat.


Nov. 8th, 2010 01:41 pm
jedusor: (green bag)
Text from me to Robert: Just passed the Marco Polo Motel. "Okay, how do I get to my room?" "We've got housekeeping set up to direct you, ma'am. Just keep hollering."

Text from Robert to me: "No, you may not take our silk bedsheets home with you."
jedusor: (riverdancing)
Rachel: *playing the piano* Fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Me: Is that in the Beethoven sheet music you've got over there?
Rachel: Yup. It's written in right there. In German.
jedusor: (Default)
(talking about the differences between me and my brothers)
Amanda: It's a question of common sense, whether you can find your way out of a paper bag.
Me: Hey! I can find my way out of a paper bag!
Amanda: Okay, but what do you do when you get out? Clay pops out of the bag and goes, "That way is north!" You pop out and go, "Ooh, butterfly!" Cordell goes, "uh, bag's looking good..."


jedusor: (Default)

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