![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Parenting
When I was waiting in line at the bookstore on Tuesday, the person behind me told her child to hold her place in line. The little girl, who was about four or five years old and dressed in what looked like a Catholic school uniform, clung and said she didn't feel like it. Her mother responded sharply, "It doesn't matter what you feel like. Stay here until I come back." She went and got a notebook from across the store.
I am not a parent. I have no plans to become a parent in the foreseeable future. I have no parenting experience beyond babysitting and my brothers. However, I do have some idea of what is and isn't healthy for children, and telling them that their feelings don't matter falls firmly in the "not healthy" category. Hearing this exchange, I desperately wanted to turn around and shake that woman; tell her that I've been that child and her casual snap affected her daughter in a way that will last, especially if she behaves like that on a regular basis. For all the poor kid knew, the mom was leaving her there for hours, in a strange place, surrounded by strange people.
Of course, I couldn't say anything in that situation, but I've seen people I know doing similar things. I nearly attacked my father when he yelled at his five-year-old stepdaughter for practically nothing, because he was frustrated about something else. I remember being a little kid in the same situation, and that tone of voice making me cry, and trying not to show that I was crying because he would make fun of me for making a big deal over nothing. He didn't understand that a child lives in the present, and when your entire world consists of being unfairly punished, it hurts.
Then there's the meat thing. Mom and Bill feed Lincoln meat. Logically, I understand that he's their child and that the decision is theirs, but I can't help feeling that it's wrong not to let him make the decision for himself when he's old enough. I know that if he decides to stop eating meat, Mom will let him (Bill I'm not so sure about). But I wish I hadn't had that first four years of eating meat. I wish I'd been raised without meat until I was old enough to understand what it was, and make the decision whether to start eating it. The fact that I was eating it without knowing what it was disgusts me. I tell them this, and they brush me off, or ask me what my opinion is when I've already expressed it over and over without their hearing it at all.
Ultimately, I have to let it go. They're going to let Lincoln eat meat at the age of two. Jeffrey is going to take out his anger on people who can't fight back. That woman in the bookstore is going to diminish her daughter's sense of self-worth daily. It's hard to accept, but that's what I have to do.
EDIT: The point of this post is not the meat thing. That is an example of the point of this post, which is parenting decisions and the temptation to attempt to interfere with them.
I am not a parent. I have no plans to become a parent in the foreseeable future. I have no parenting experience beyond babysitting and my brothers. However, I do have some idea of what is and isn't healthy for children, and telling them that their feelings don't matter falls firmly in the "not healthy" category. Hearing this exchange, I desperately wanted to turn around and shake that woman; tell her that I've been that child and her casual snap affected her daughter in a way that will last, especially if she behaves like that on a regular basis. For all the poor kid knew, the mom was leaving her there for hours, in a strange place, surrounded by strange people.
Of course, I couldn't say anything in that situation, but I've seen people I know doing similar things. I nearly attacked my father when he yelled at his five-year-old stepdaughter for practically nothing, because he was frustrated about something else. I remember being a little kid in the same situation, and that tone of voice making me cry, and trying not to show that I was crying because he would make fun of me for making a big deal over nothing. He didn't understand that a child lives in the present, and when your entire world consists of being unfairly punished, it hurts.
Then there's the meat thing. Mom and Bill feed Lincoln meat. Logically, I understand that he's their child and that the decision is theirs, but I can't help feeling that it's wrong not to let him make the decision for himself when he's old enough. I know that if he decides to stop eating meat, Mom will let him (Bill I'm not so sure about). But I wish I hadn't had that first four years of eating meat. I wish I'd been raised without meat until I was old enough to understand what it was, and make the decision whether to start eating it. The fact that I was eating it without knowing what it was disgusts me. I tell them this, and they brush me off, or ask me what my opinion is when I've already expressed it over and over without their hearing it at all.
Ultimately, I have to let it go. They're going to let Lincoln eat meat at the age of two. Jeffrey is going to take out his anger on people who can't fight back. That woman in the bookstore is going to diminish her daughter's sense of self-worth daily. It's hard to accept, but that's what I have to do.
EDIT: The point of this post is not the meat thing. That is an example of the point of this post, which is parenting decisions and the temptation to attempt to interfere with them.
no subject
no subject
no subject
About the meat, i'm totally against you. Why? Well, as a parent it is your responbility to take care of your child - including giving him proper nutrition. Humans are meant to omnivors. One of the best ways to ensure that your child is getting the protien and fat necessary for their quickly developing bodies is to feed them meat. I KNOW you believe that you can get all your nutrition from vegan food, and if you work your ASS off all the time, you will come close. But, feeding an omnivore diet is far easier to balance.
Additionally, some of parenting is doing what you need to do to get the job done. And often this includes feeding your kid what you're eating, because its too hard and too expensive to do otherwise. Frankly, you're lucky as hell that your parents allow you to eat vegan - its a lot more work for them to enable it. (Or, at least it was as you were growing - i suspect you're largely self-sufficient now.)
There are other things that fall into the category of parents deciding something for their kids, because a two year old just can not make those decisions for themselves - they are not capable. Your parents also decided against vaccination, regular doctor visits, presumabely circumcision, and, hell, school. They decided for avocados, bread, breast feeding, reading, and watching you at home. Not everyone agrees with everyone of those decisions. I could argue the point on many of them. BUT, the point is, Lincoln certainly doesn't have the wherewithal to make those decisions himself, and your folks are doing what they honestly believe is the best thing for them in his stead.
omnivor diet
no subject
no subject
I'd have to agree. As much as I'd love it if none of the world ate meat, ever, I agree that if your folks aren't veggie, they're entitled to feed Link the way they see fit until he's old enough to protest.
It's certainly a very tricky business, though. In our house, I'm veggie (mostly) and
That being said, I do try to gently discourage the presence of meat in our house. The kids love chicken-nugget-type-things and similar kid-friendly food, and
I also let the kids know where meat comes from, and I let them know that I don't eat it because I don't think it's right for a chicken to have to die so that I can eat, when there are all sorts of other yummy things I can eat. And if they want to know more, they ask, and I answer. But I don't impose my opinions on them; I just let them know how I feel, and let them make their own decisions. They will. My friend's kid, who is the same age, studied animal farms (like the Heifer Project) in school and decided to go veg. My kids may decide to go veg later, or they may not. They have access to all the information they need, and they'll figure it out on their own. I think that letting them come to their own conclusions on this one is the most important thing -- because it's that that allows and encourages them to continue to grow into beings who can make informed decisions and know that their loved ones respect those decisions. In other words, I don't feel it's right for my vegetarianism to trump omnivorism; I think vegetarianism is a much better choice, obviously -- but there are those who disagree, and I want to allow room for that viewpoint.
I disagree with
no subject
There are an almost infinite number of these decisions. Maybe Linc will grow up to be a vegetarian and be pissed that he was fed meat products. OTOH, maybe he will grow up to be a short Atkins follower and be pissed cause he thinks that if he'd been fed more meat products he'd be taller. Maybe he'll grow up to be Christian and wish that your parents had baptised him. Maybe he'll grow up to be Jewish and wish that your parents had circumcised him. Maybe when he's twenty he'll regret not having been put in gymnastics classes when he was five, which is around when you have to start if you want to be Olympic level someday. There is simply no way for parents to plan for all these eventualities, especially since so many of them are mutually exclusive. Your parents will just have to make the decisions that seem best to them at the time, and Linc will second-guess his upbringing when he's old enough, just as we all do.
no subject
I wish I'd been raised without meat also, because I never liked eating it and there isn't any good reason to if one is willing to get protein from other sources (which actually would've been difficult with my mom who steadfastly refuses to eat beans or soy products). I had a lot of nights of being very unhappy at the dinner table, because my parents made me eat meat that I really didn't want to eat (for me, it was a texture thing long before I had any understanding of the meat industry). The fact that veal baby food exists (I saw it once when my vet recommended I buy meat baby food for tube-feeding a very sick cat), really saddens me, and seems wrong on so many levels. That said, it's probably much easier to stop eating meat than to start - it's tough to digest, especially if you haven't had it in a long time (or ever). It's a choice either way.
Ben and I are almost certainly going to raise our kids without serving them meat and not forbidding it either. The exception would be if somehow they end up with a lot of food allergies and there are not many possible things to feed them. Eggs and dairy they'll probably get sometimes - if their metabolism is what's common on my side of the family, they won't be able to gain weight as vegans.
no subject
no subject
Kids, no matter what you think, do need guidance.
I do think that, and I plan to feed my kids healthy foods.
no subject
We tried to raise you by respecting your choices as much as we could safely and within our means... but the default had to be our basic beliefs, in the absence of your own. By the way, not that it makes a huge difference to you, we ate fairly low on the food chain meat-wise: some eggs and dairy (but not milk, butter or cheese because of your father's lactose intolerance; mostly yogurt), a few cans of tuna and rarely some chicken each month (meat's expensive). Never pork or beef. You had some Wendy's chicken nuggets but as far as i know, not hamburgers.
You say we don't hear you at all... I don't think that's true. Perhaps you are mistaking "listening" with "agreeing with your point of view and changing our behavior to reflect your desires." We do listen, and we take what you say under advisement.
When we decide to use meat, we try to keep it out of your sight as much as possible, making it so you don't have to touch or wash any dishes used to prepare or serve it. We understand that it's disturbing to you, and we do what we can to make it so we can both share the house comfortably.
Who knows? Perhaps Linc will decide that he cannot eat anything imported from another country, or that he won't wear any clothing made in a sweatshop, or he refuses to fly on a plane, or was meant to be a woman, or decides to join the Young Republicans... whatever philosophical path he chooses, even if it differs from ours, will be supported as best we can accommodate it. But we have no crystal ball. We have no way of seeing the things that are going to be his passion and his ideals, and setting up our lives around that now. All we can do is create a safe and solid base for him to explore and build upon.
When he's ready to let us know what he wants to be or do, I hope he feels secure enough that he can be true to himself and open up to us. That's what we did with you. So far you seem to be turning out okay.
I think that any decision he makes on his own will be all the more powerful and committed because he made the discovery himself. He will own his own path, not have it shoved down his throat by his parents. Just the same way as you working your way through school, or Cordell earning the money to go to Japan, I believe you each appreciate and own those experiences so much more than if I'd been able to just open up my checkbook and hand them to you.
And that lady? Maybe you could have said, "I'll hold your place in line for you! It looks like she's a little nervous about being alone in a crowd like this... I don't blame you, either!" I've found that when a parent is about to do something that rubs me wrong, I try to offer them some support and help instead of judgement or anger (it's not easy, and sometimes the parent's anger gets turned towards you). Jeffrey, I dunno. He's kind of a bully to kids, and when you stand up to a bully, you risk making things worse for his victims when you're not there later.
Linc and V are lucky that you're in their lives... you'll be a great person for them to turn to when they are trying to figure out their own passions. I love you!
she got it
the other way to handle the abusive parent, in any way, is to help, and then AFTEr youve helped explain why, as nicely as possible