Musings on myself

[jedusor]

I've been thinking lately about this drive I have to live on my own. It's what sparked the college classes, and it's been my primary goal for a while. I've had short conversations about it with both mamagotcha and the_mechanic. (How fitting, that "Easier To Run" is playing on my stereo at the moment.) The truth is, I don't know how much of that drive is honest need for independence and how much is just "I wanna be a grownup now!" I have a really nice life, regardless of the amount of complaining I do about it. I live in a nice neighborhood, my food and clothing and DSL and college classes are all paid for, I have my own room, and my mom (again, despite all my complaining) is pretty damn cool.

I don't think that what I want is necessarily to live alone; it's to be the master of my own life. That includes financial independence, a driver's license, and many other things besides an apartment. What I really want is to live with Sarah, of course, but that clearly isn't going to happen for a while if at all. She was thinking about going to Jullian College in New York City last I checked, and while I haven't spent much time in NY, I don't think I want to live there. I'm visiting my aunt there in early April, though, and I might be able to check out some colleges just to see what's out there. I'm also visiting alphakinfolk in Chicago later that month, although I'm not sure if I'll have enough time to look at any colleges there. macabresinclair recommended Reed in Portland, and from her raving and the website, it looks pretty good. Ben said he'd check it out for me when he visits Portland this summer, but while I trust his judgement, I'd need to see it for myself. Reed apparently offers financial aid for early applicants, but you have to promise to go there if you're accepted. And I haven't completely given up on California, either. NPL is in LA this year, so I'll visit UCLA while I'm there.

I guess what I was trying to say before I got distracted by prospective colleges (a topic which easily distracts me) is that I like my life, but I'm looking forward to changes in it. I think that's fair.


Trying my best not to whine
But I can't pretend that everything is fine
I'm sorry if I bring you down
And I understand if you don't want me around
Trying not to be too demanding
Trying to keep a smile on my face
I'm trying so hard to see the beauty in this place
Life is so, so beautiful
Life is so, so wonderful
But it's hard to see the sun
After the storm has begun...

Comments

[all-ephemera.livejournal.com]

Better than fearing change. :)

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

Heh, I don't fear change in the slightest. Rather, I'm bored with regularity of any kind.

[sittingwalnut.livejournal.com]

Helloo der.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

Hi, Mia! You should be able to read my entries now; my mom erased all my friends at one point and I had to replenish the list from memory, and I missed a few. Sorry I wasn't at church, the baby had a rough night and according to Reverend Eller, I'm not supposed to show up without Mom... because maybe I'll rape a small child in a broom closet? I dunno...