jedusor: (seattle gay pride)
Child: *drawing a grid on a piece of paper* Okay, tell me four names of boys you want to marry.
Me: Mike Smith, Brent Seabrook, Brooks Laich, Evgeni Malkin.
Child: *makes a valiant attempt at spelling* Now tell me four numbers of babies you might have.
Me: Zero, zero, zero, zero.
Child: They have to be different.
Me: Zero, FOUR HUNDRED, five million...
Child: I'll... just pick some for you. Okay, pick four pets.
Me: Ooh, pets? Do they have to be different from the potential husbands?
Child: Yes. They can't be peo--
Me: Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin...
Child: >:(
jedusor: (jeeves peeking)
Woman on packed bus, loudly into phone: "Yeah, so thanks for listening. I just needed to confide in someone."

Child: "It's the magic guy, Mommy! Hi! Hi, magic guy! Will you do magic?"
Off-duty street magician: *attempts to ignore the child for a while, then exasperatedly performs a coin-disappearing trick*

Child: "La la la laaaaa..."
Parent (much more loudly than the child): "DANTE! Use your INDOOR VOICE! That is an OUTDOOR VOICE! We can turn around right here, you know, we don't have to go to Wal-Mart!"
jedusor: (neuron art)
(quietly cuddling with Mike, thinking about willpower drain and how it affects people whose hobbies involve heavy cognition)
Me: God damn, physiological algorithms are cool.
Mike: I love these little outbursts of yours.
Me: Outbursts?
Mike: Yeah, when we're just hanging out and you randomly decide that something is REALLY COOL.
Me: Do I do that often?
Mike: Probably once or twice a week.
jedusor: (food: dessert)
Gaby: I have to go to the bathroom. If she comes to take dessert orders before I get back, can you tell her I want the huckleberry tart?
Me: I will tell her you want a raw potato.
Gaby: If you can get them to give me a raw potato, I will eat it.

Photobucket
jedusor: (food: soup and salad)
Mike: (looking at an online menu for a restaurant we're eating at tomorrow) Olive emulsion? What does that mean?
Me: I have no clue. How would you emulsify a solid? *googles* I don't see a definition, but here's a recipe for olive emulsion. Let's see... "ingredients: 0.7 oz olives, hacked."
Mike: Hacked olives?
Me: I don't know what that is either! *googles* Okay, no definition, but here's a recipe for hacked olives. Let's see... "step one: Establish the olives."
Mike: *dies laughing*
jedusor: (seattle gay pride)
It's the end of PAX, and we're pretty much out of swag except for a couple of things we're holding back. A dude walks up to the booth with a kid who looks about eight.

Dude: Would you happen to have any more of those nifty water pouches?
Gaby: Sorry, we're all out.
Dude: *incredibly crestfallen look*
Me: ...okay, convince me I should give you one.
Dude: I will use it to save a puppy from a burning building!
Me: I see no puppy. Are you going to trap a puppy in a fire just to save it? Come on, give me a better reason.
Kid: (quietly) I'll use it to save the environment by refilling it more than once.
Me: *tosses the kid a water pouch*
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Me and Mike: *talking about weasels*
Mike: *attempts to make a weasel noise* I don't actually know what a weasel sounds like.
Me: That sounded like a cross between a human baby and an eagle.
Mike: So...
*beat*
Both of us simultaneously: ...a beagle?
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Me: Why is there a hole in the envelope for mailing in the ballot?
Mike: Maybe it's there to keep people from mailing in bees instead of ballots.
Me: ...
Mike: Maybe they'd be reading the instructions, and it would say "insert ballot," and they wouldn't finish reading past the first letter of "ballot." And if they just had some bees lying around, left over from Beemas--
Me: Beemas.
Mike: Like Christmas. But with bees.
[20-second pause]
Mike: I was singing Beemas carols to myself in my head just then.
jedusor: (emergency bourbon)
me: Why do you even need more than one makeup thing of each type? Like, I get wearing a few different colors of lipstick or eyeshadow, but there's no real difference between the rest of it, is there?
V: O.O
V: different textures, different stregths for pigment, different finishes
me: yeeeaaah, I don't think this is a surmountable communication gap here XD
V: Example: I have freckles. I like my freckles, so during the day I might wear a sheer foundation: even skin tone, light coverage. But if I want to use darker eyeshadow in the evening, the canvas has to be even, so I use full coverage foundation/foundation stick. Or I need a more natural mascara when I wear red lipstick and a darker mascara when I wear a natural lipcolor.
V: Then there's stuff like texture for different types of makeup, like avoiding a matte finish for nude makeup. You just look... lifeless.
me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrbumvF-Oe4
me: :P
me: do not grok
V: Aaaaanyway, the point was that yes, you need more than one makeup thing of each type.
V: :-P
me: no. YOU do. I do not.
V: ...
me: I don't even have one of most of those things.
V: this conversation is hurting my brain
me: Seriously, I have one thing of liquid eyeliner, and I don't even know where that is. I haven't touched it in months.
me: it's hurting my brain too!
V: Btw, when you find that liquid eyeliner, throw it away. You can't use it for more than 3 months after you first opened it.
me: *snort* I've had it for like five years.
V: *clutching my actualfax pearls*

-1

Jul. 23rd, 2011 02:48 pm
jedusor: (*hug* doesn't cut it)
Me: Oh man, I just know one of the comments on this post is going to say "ha ha, where's the like button?". Yep, there it is. Ugh. That joke got old about two minutes after Facebook came up with the whole liking thing.
Mike: LJ needs a "punch" button.
jedusor: (neuron art)
V: is this a step towards or away from self-actualization?
me: ohhhhh do not even get me STARTED on Maslow
me: >:(
V: I want to get you started on Maslow.
me: then I will never get to showering or eating, and then I will never get to your beta
me: is that what you want
me: because if you say yes, I will legit give up cleanliness and food and go on a rant about the failings of psychology as a scientific field
V: It's like you don't know me at all. YES, i want to listen to that rant. Gladly and raptly.
me: okay
much cussing and capslocking, not much respect for current psychology curricula )
jedusor: (axe murderer)
The contractor just flailed around under my sink for ten minutes before hollering triumphantly, "OH! I see the problem! It's broken!"

*sigh*
jedusor: (read says dr seuss)
"I expect you just thought it. You're always thinking things." He felt rather superior because he himself didn't ever think at all.

--from "Mary Poppins Comes Back"
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: Why are cell phone ringtones always sounds?
Me: What else would they be? Smells?
Mike: I was just thinking that. Wouldn't it be nice if, when someone called you, your phone emitted the aroma of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls?
Me: What if your phone went off in a cinnamon roll shop? You wouldn't know it was going off. It's like if my phone went off in a sneeze shop. [note: my ringtone is a sneeze.]
Mike: That's ridiculous. Sneeze parlors haven't been around since the 1840s.
Me: Is that so?
Mike: Mhm. The antecedent of the modern sneeze took place only in designated areas. It was considered common courtesy to tip the handkerchiefsman.
Me: Really now.
Mike: Yep! The "ah-choo" sound wasn't invented until 1845.
Me: Who invented it?
Mike: Thomas Edison, believe it or not.
*pause*
Mike: Sneeze parlors were put out of business by the advent of the tissue.
Me: But you said there were handkerchiefsmen. Why wouldn't the handkerchief have put them out of business?
Mike: The handkerchiefs were usually chained down.
Me: ...
Mike: They had to be. They were made out of ivory.
Me: ...
Mike: Had little hinges so they could fold.
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: I'm, like, 99% sure.
Me: What about that 1%?
Mike: The 1% is a bunny. The 99% is a T-Rex. Bunnies don't beat T-Rexes.

heh

Apr. 20th, 2011 06:09 pm
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
Mike: *quoting out loud from Myths Retold*
Me: So if Kit ends up bringing the dude who writes those to my birthday party, are you gonna fanboy all over him?
Mike: Not... much?
Me: Are you gonna stare at him admiringly from afar?
Mike: That sounds creepy.
Me: Are you gonna?
Mike: Not now that I've realized it's creepy.
jedusor: (super-hyphen)
While doing this quiz...

Me: A lamppost? Narnia?
Mike: That's "Singing in the Rain."
Me: Ah. What's the rest of that movie about? The part that's not the three minutes he's singing in the rain?
Mike: You know, I've never bothered to find out. My guess is hardcore pornography.

Mike: That's a saw, probably from the movie "Saw."
Me: *clicks through to the next one*
Mike: That's a tiger...
Both of us simultaneously: ...probably from the movie "Tiger."

♥ my boy. Sorry, I know a lot of this blog lately has been "haw haw isn't my boyfriend funny," but my boyfriend is fucking funny, okay.

bastard.

Mar. 30th, 2011 09:54 am
jedusor: (go)
Me: God damn *hic* hiccups, won't stop *hic* dammit...
Mike: Did you hear they're making a live-action version of Hikaru no Go?
Me: Wot?
Mike: They cast Zac Efron.
Me: WOT oh. You're fucking with me. Dude, what was that for?
Mike: Did I scare ya?
Me: ...yes. Hiccups are gone. ;___;
jedusor: (seattle gay pride)
Grungy teen #1: There's this psalm or something in the Bible about God giving evergreen or something and that's where you hide the weed.
Grungy teen #2: I'm all brainfarty, what's that piece of paper called, the one that started it all?
Grungy teen #3: The Declaration of Independence.
Grungy teen #2: Yeah!
All grungy teens: *start snapping fingers repeatedly*
Grungy teen #1: My uncle worked at a Jolly Rancher factory and this cow that had been dead for a long time turned its head and talked to him and he jumped off a ten-foot, ten-story wall or something and died. (grungy teen #3 puts face in her crotch) That's where I shoot my load, hon.
Grungy teen #2: That happened to me once, a dead animal talking.
Grungy teen #1: What were you on?
Grungy teen #2: I was seven, I wasn't on anything!
Woman on cell phone: I guess I did commit fraud.
Grungy teen #3: *lies down on top of girl*
Grungy teen #4: You asleep, Andrew, or just enjoying her boobs?
Grungy teen #1, hollering at the top of her lungs: I HAVE TO PEEEEEE
Nerdy mid-twenties guy: *spots my "Look at me still talking when there's science to do" shirt* The cake is a lie!

♥ you, Seattle.
jedusor: (axe murderer)
Mike: Back in Florida, there was an ad for John Hall Chevrolet. That would have amused me greatly if I'd known about King Missile back then.
Me: Dude, you know what would be awesome? A John S. Hall GPS voice. "At the next right, tie three hamsters in balloons to your belt."
Mike: "You have missed your turn. Turn around or I'll cut your balls off."
Me: "If what you just did was gay, turn left in one-half mile. Otherwise, continue straight."

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