let's stumble towards success and pack some snacks for little breaks

Excerpts from Amazon reviews for various garlic presses:

(from a review titled "My Special, Steely Friend") "I'm afraid I've developed an unhealthy relationship with this garlic press."

"This thing is built like a tank."

"I showed my fiancee how it works and she seems to be impressed."

"As others have reported here, the handle retains water that can drip out into your guacamole or other favorite dish. Alternatively, in your frustration, you can administer a thorough shaking to get the water out. Unfortunately that propels water drops all over your kitchen which can be a source of further aggravation. All-in-all, probably better to look elsewhere for your next garlic press -- unless you're into drama."

"As an added bonus, you could probably blackjack and knockout an intruder while holding this thing."

"I've retired my old garlic press to lesser, cruder duties."

Review title: "Anthony Bordain Be Damned"

"Since I bought this garlic press, I have been using more garlic than needed."

"This press is so awesome, sometimes I just press garlic for fun."

"Crushes garlic? No, it obliterates garlic."

"This smashes garlic like I WISH the Cleveland Browns could smash the Steelers. *sigh*"

Mike: (looking at an online menu for a restaurant we're eating at tomorrow) Olive emulsion? What does that mean?
Me: I have no clue. How would you emulsify a solid? *googles* I don't see a definition, but here's a recipe for olive emulsion. Let's see... "ingredients: 0.7 oz olives, hacked."
Mike: Hacked olives?
Me: I don't know what that is either! *googles* Okay, no definition, but here's a recipe for hacked olives. Let's see... "step one: Establish the olives."
Mike: *dies laughing*

me: Why do you even need more than one makeup thing of each type? Like, I get wearing a few different colors of lipstick or eyeshadow, but there's no real difference between the rest of it, is there?
V: O.O
V: different textures, different stregths for pigment, different finishes
me: yeeeaaah, I don't think this is a surmountable communication gap here XD
V: Example: I have freckles. I like my freckles, so during the day I might wear a sheer foundation: even skin tone, light coverage. But if I want to use darker eyeshadow in the evening, the canvas has to be even, so I use full coverage foundation/foundation stick. Or I need a more natural mascara when I wear red lipstick and a darker mascara when I wear a natural lipcolor.
V: Then there's stuff like texture for different types of makeup, like avoiding a matte finish for nude makeup. You just look... lifeless.
me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrbumvF-Oe4
me: :P
me: do not grok
V: Aaaaanyway, the point was that yes, you need more than one makeup thing of each type.
V: :-P
me: no. YOU do. I do not.
V: ...
me: I don't even have one of most of those things.
V: this conversation is hurting my brain
me: Seriously, I have one thing of liquid eyeliner, and I don't even know where that is. I haven't touched it in months.
me: it's hurting my brain too!
V: Btw, when you find that liquid eyeliner, throw it away. You can't use it for more than 3 months after you first opened it.
me: *snort* I've had it for like five years.
V: *clutching my actualfax pearls*

Mike: I'm, like, 99% sure.
Me: What about that 1%?
Mike: The 1% is a bunny. The 99% is a T-Rex. Bunnies don't beat T-Rexes.

1. Add olive oil.
2. Don't add olive oil.
3. Add salt.
4. Don't add salt.
5. Stir more often.
6. Stir less often.

Thanks, guys!

Me: God damn *hic* hiccups, won't stop *hic* dammit...
Mike: Did you hear they're making a live-action version of Hikaru no Go?
Me: Wot?
Mike: They cast Zac Efron.
Me: WOT oh. You're fucking with me. Dude, what was that for?
Mike: Did I scare ya?
Me: ...yes. Hiccups are gone. ;___;

Mike: Back in Florida, there was an ad for John Hall Chevrolet. That would have amused me greatly if I'd known about King Missile back then.
Me: Dude, you know what would be awesome? A John S. Hall GPS voice. "At the next right, tie three hamsters in balloons to your belt."
Mike: "You have missed your turn. Turn around or I'll cut your balls off."
Me: "If what you just did was gay, turn left in one-half mile. Otherwise, continue straight."

Me: When did Portal come out?
Mike: I dunno, let me check. *pulls up a browser*
Me: Like, '07, maybe?
Mike: Huh? Oh, Portal. I was looking up Jenga.
Me: What? Why?
Mike: I... was thinking about Jenga? And got them mixed up in my head? I don't know. Yeah, Portal came out in 2007.

Me: This fic summary is "MCR goes on hiatus and Gerard finally gets his hamsters."
Mike: Is that a euphemism? Getting one's hamsters? It should be.
Me: It could mean losing your virginity, or joining the Mafia. Or, like... man, that really gets my hamster.
Mike: For when something isn't quite irritating enough to get your goat.

Rachel: *playing the piano* Fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Me: Is that in the Beethoven sheet music you've got over there?
Rachel: Yup. It's written in right there. In German.