The way to salvation

Mike: Back in Florida, there was an ad for John Hall Chevrolet. That would have amused me greatly if I'd known about King Missile back then.
Me: Dude, you know what would be awesome? A John S. Hall GPS voice. "At the next right, tie three hamsters in balloons to your belt."
Mike: "You have missed your turn. Turn around or I'll cut your balls off."
Me: "If what you just did was gay, turn left in one-half mile. Otherwise, continue straight."

First crush

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My first crush was rubrick, when I was ten (which was one third his age--really, you all should have seen adolescent!me coming). I'm sure he could tell at the time, although I don't think I actually confirmed it to him until a year or two ago. It fizzled out around the point when my mom broke the news that he had a secret mullet in the photo I had pinned up on my wall. Even at age ten, mullets were a definite dealbreaker for me. I can only hope he found someone new to mend his broken heart.