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On pronouns
Jul. 8th, 2013 09:36 pmI don't know firsthand what it's like to be misgendered; I'm mostly cis, enough to be comfortable with the pronouns people generally assume apply to me. (I do actively dislike being referred to as a "woman" or a "lady" and strongly prefer "person" unless gender is pertinent information to include in the conversation--which it almost never is--but it's not upsetting on the level of misgendering.) But I once corrected a friend on someone else's pronouns and was incredibly taken aback by his derisive eyeroll, and that gave me a little bit of an idea of what trans people have to deal with. It's easy for me to assume that because someone is progressive in other ways, and is part of social circles that are generally safe spaces, that they understand and are supportive of gender diversity. But there's no way to predict that for sure. Every time a trans person corrects someone who misgenders them, they run the risk of being shamed or dismissed. I think that sucks.
For the last year or so, I've been making an effort to incorporate "what pronouns do you prefer?" into introductory small talk when meeting a new person in fandom, along with name and location and such, and to use "they" when I don't know someone's preferred pronouns. Of course fandom isn't the only community where the question is relevant, but it's the only one in my life where pretty much everyone automatically gets what I'm talking about and gives a helpful answer. I've never had a negative reaction, and there have been a few "oh, that's awesome, I should start doing that" responses.
In theory, I'd like to do this with everyone I meet. In practice, it is not always helpful to initiate a discussion of gender politics while shaking hands, and a lot of people would be offended by the implication that their gender wasn't obvious from their presentation. When I worked in retail, I had to heuristically assume gender constantly, because I was expected to address people as "sir" or "ma'am." Now that I don't have to do that, I generally don't use those terms. It's pretty much impossible to go through life without assuming anyone's gender at all, but it's possible to be aware of doing it and avoid it when it's not necessary, and I'm working on that.
For the last year or so, I've been making an effort to incorporate "what pronouns do you prefer?" into introductory small talk when meeting a new person in fandom, along with name and location and such, and to use "they" when I don't know someone's preferred pronouns. Of course fandom isn't the only community where the question is relevant, but it's the only one in my life where pretty much everyone automatically gets what I'm talking about and gives a helpful answer. I've never had a negative reaction, and there have been a few "oh, that's awesome, I should start doing that" responses.
In theory, I'd like to do this with everyone I meet. In practice, it is not always helpful to initiate a discussion of gender politics while shaking hands, and a lot of people would be offended by the implication that their gender wasn't obvious from their presentation. When I worked in retail, I had to heuristically assume gender constantly, because I was expected to address people as "sir" or "ma'am." Now that I don't have to do that, I generally don't use those terms. It's pretty much impossible to go through life without assuming anyone's gender at all, but it's possible to be aware of doing it and avoid it when it's not necessary, and I'm working on that.
