Underwhelmed

[jedusor]

Now that I'm not applying to Amherst, there's less of a time constraint on the submission of the Common Application, so I'd still very much appreciate input on that essay.

One thing I'm particularly concerned about:

"My time here has been wonderful, but I feel underwhelmed by the challenges presented to me in my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey."

According to the OED (thanks, misterajc), "underwhelmed" is in fact a word, but is listed as "jocular" and would not be suitable in a formal essay. Maybe I'm just suffering from a brain fart, but I can't think of a comparable term that would flow with this sentence. So:

[Poll #918746]

Comments

[hahathor.livejournal.com]

Saying that you are underwhelmed sounds like you are faulting your current institution for not being challenging enough, saying that you welcome greater challenges puts the focus on YOU, rather than your alma mater.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

Excellent point. I don't want to dis PV, and it does kind of sound like that's what I'm doing. Thank you!

[ennienyc.livejournal.com]

Maybe you feel "unchallenged by the opportunities presented..."

[dacrons-lair.livejournal.com]

"My time here has been wonderful, but I don't feel challenged by the educational opportunities presented to me in my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey."

Any better?

-M

[mh75.livejournal.com]

How about 'My time here has been wonderful, but I am excited for the additional challenges and opportunities offered by a more rigorous academic institution.'

This has the advantage of being a postitive statement instead of a negative.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I like that idea. I did use "rigorous" in another paragraph, but I can easily change that part without disturbing the meaning. Thanks!

[misterajc.livejournal.com]

"My time here has been wonderful, but I feel unchallenged by my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey."

I also think that, "...handle the next step..." is a mixed metaphor as handling is something you do with your hands and stepping is something you do with your feet. You don't handle a step unless you are crawling upstairs. Why not just take the next step?

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

"My time here has been wonderful, but I feel unchallenged by my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey."

Thanks! I think that's the best wording I've heard so far of what I'm trying to say.

Why not just take the next step?

Because I take it in the next sentence. The full last paragraph of the essay:

"Now I’m sixteen, I’ve been taking community college classes for almost five years, and I’m ready to move on. My time here has been wonderful, but I feel underwhelmed by the challenges presented to me in my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey. I believe that next step is a bachelor’s degree at a four-year university, and I’m ready to take it."

[mh75.livejournal.com]

My time here has been wonderful, but I feel underwhelmed by the challenges presented to me in my classes and prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey.

I have a small gripe with this sentence (especially in the revised version) as it leaves me with a negative feeling towards how prepared you are the take the next step. I think i would prefer to see it in two sentences:

'...but i feel unchallenged by classes. I am prepared to handle the next step in my academic journey.'

I'd like it even more if you used something more positive than 'prepared' which is pretty lukewarm.

'I am prepared and enthusiastic for the next step.'

I guess, i'd want the college to know that, not only are you capable of meeting the challenge, but you are eager to meet it.

Perhaps,
'... but I feel unchallenged by my classes. I look forward to the opportunities offered by the next step in my academic journey.'

You don't actually have to say you're prepared for the next step in that sentence, because you say it in the next sentence, ' ... and i am ready to take it.'

[misterajc.livejournal.com]

OK, then, how about this:
"My time here has been wonderful, but I feel unchallenged by my classes and ready for the next step in my academic journey."

Actually, I prefer:
"My time here has been wonderful, but I'm no longer challenged by my classes and I feel ready for the next step in my academic journey."

Incidentally, if you haven't read "Elements of Style" recently go read it. The 1918 edition is on line, and more recent updates are available from amazon.com. Anyone who writes to convey ideas should ready that book every few years just to make sure they are still on track.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

It's on the headboard of my bed. I haven't actually read it from beginning to end, but it's been very helpful to me with specific issues and I probably should read all of it.

I like "no longer challenged" rather than "unchallenged." It sounds less negative toward Penn Valley, and I don't want to give the impression that I think I'm too good for PV.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I liked it. Sure, it's informal, but let me tell you something: your essays are among the most articulate and organized essays I've seen in an academic setting. You can get away with a wink. Yes, it's a risk that someone stodgy won't approve, but the risk is small and it's outweighed by the strength of the rest of your essay. Even if you do make someone hate that sentence, there's no getting around that it's a nitpick. And the payoff is that the essay is personable and easy to read.

That said, you're worrying about it. That's the best argument I've heard for reworking the sentence. If you are not accepted, then you'll worry that it was because you made a single incorrect word choice. That's not worth it.

[mh75.livejournal.com]

heh, frankly i think all her essays are fine, and a cut above what i usually read from my engineering colleagues. But, its sort of fun to think about how to refine the words to more precisely and evocatively express what she wants to.

Or maybe i'm a bigger geek than i think i am.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

your essays are among the most articulate and organized essays I've seen in an academic setting.

Wow. Thanks. I'm especially relieved to hear that because I've been stressing over this essay- it's the Common App one, which means it's the one that will be sent to all six colleges I'm applying to. And some of them don't require an additional essay, so it's the only sample of my writing (the subject in which I'm strongest, IMO) they'll get.