On "I didn't mean it to be offensive, therefore it wasn't offensive"

[jedusor]

If you say something sexist or racist or heterosexist or whatever unintentionally--if you honestly had no idea that there was anything wrong with what you said--then I agree that it's not a reason for people to get mad at you. It's an acceptable reason for people to avoid you, if they don't feel like trying to educate you, but it's not reasonable to get angry if you truly had no idea. Obliviousness is not necessarily your fault.

If, however, someone says, "Hey, dude, that wasn't cool, and here's why," then appropriate responses are "I disagree, and here's why," or "oh, I'm sorry!" If someone calls you out and your reaction is, "You're being oversensitive and not understanding my intentions," then you are being a jerk. Ignorance is only an excuse when you're still ignorant.

Comments

[kaberett.livejournal.com]

Hope whatever prompted this wasn't too dire. :/

[ertchin.livejournal.com]

(This is my fourth try at writing a comment. This may possibly be due to my inability to write a coherent analogy. Possibly.)

I think there's a very blurry line between "getting mad about what was said" and "getting mad at the person who said it". I believe that the former is always going to be valid in this situation, that the latter will sometimes be, and that it can be hard to distinguish the two even in cases where the latter might not be fully justified.

If you step on my foot, you have caused me pain. That is enough to merit an "ow", regardless of what we subsequently determine the fault of those involved to be. Furthermore, even if you did not mean to step on my foot, I believe I have a right to be upset that you weren't paying attention to where you were walking. That is, even if "you did that on purpose GRRR" isn't justified, "you weren't paying attention and now my foot is crushed GRRR" is.

I've seen this analogy before and was intending to post it myself.

[rikchik.livejournal.com]

I think it's also important thing to note that even accidentally stepping on somebody's foot usually merits an apology rather than "I didn't INTEND to step on your foot, so stop being so sensitive!" (Or even, in some cases, "why do you have to complain about this little stuff while I'm trying to have fun dancing the way I always do?")

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

As always, it's not the crime, it's the cover-up.

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

But culture in general doesn't consider foot-stomping acceptable. You're not going to find people who have thought all their lives that it's normal to stomp on feet without repercussions, because they've seen other people stomp on feet willy-nilly, and nothing has ever happened to them for doing it, so it simply doesn't occur to them to avoid your foot, or even the possibility that your foot might be in the place where they're stepping.

Not that you don't have a right to be upset because your foot was stomped. But if the person stepping on it honestly had no idea that it wasn't okay, I don't think it's reasonable to blame them. (Until, as I say, they try to tell you there's nothing to be upset about.)

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

Not at all. And same to you, with regards to your latest post.

[kaberett.livejournal.com]

Eh. It's a bit shit but it will pass, and I did actually call people out on things at the time as well - I'd be feeling a lot worse right now if I hadn't.

[ertchin.livejournal.com]

I think that this gives too much slack to "the culture in general" and to unexamined behavior, and not enough to people who have been hurt. When I ignorantly do something bad to someone else, I consider being told about it without being yelled at to be a luxury--if I'm the one who needs to adjust his behavior, asking the other person to please not be upset at me would be to miss the point that I have done something upsetting to them.

That said, and not to get too far away from the abstraction being used in this discussion, I think there can be a difference between "you stomped on my foot just now!" and "you are a foot-stomper!". Both are anger, both are accusations of having caused pain, but there's a difference between the two in unexamined vs. willful ignorance.

[rubrick.livejournal.com]

One quibble: you cite "not understanding my intentions", where I agree with you, but not "not understanding what I meant," which is rather different. Occasionally the ignorance is on the side of the recipient, as in the case of those who have gotten in serious trouble for (correctly and appropriately) using the word "niggardly".

Telling someone they're being oversensitive constitutes being a jerk under any circumstances.

[thatwesguy.livejournal.com]

I think that that sums it up quite nicely, though rubrick's comment is also to be considered.

Thanks for a tidy and helpful meme!